Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Missouri Valley Announces Golfers of the Week

This week's Missouri Valley Conference golfers of the week are Todd Obergoenner of Southern Illinois and Missy Linnens of Missouri State. Obergoenner led the Salukis with a second-place individual finish at the ASU Indian Classic, while Linnens placed third in the Susie Maxwell Berning Classic. This week marked the final tuneup for the women's programs as the State Farm MVC Women's Championship is next week (Sunday-Tuesday, April 13-15) in Omaha, Neb.

Miller, Hood Take MVC Golfer of the Week Honors

This week's Missouri Valley Conference golfers of the week feature a pair of medalists. Illinois State's Drew Miller earned top honors at the rain-shortened Branson Creek Invitational, helping the Redbirds to a second-place team showing. And Southern Illinois' Braidy Hood won the Saluki Invitational, helping SIU to a 17-stroke team victory.

MEN
Competing for Illinois State as an individual at the Branson Creek Invitational, Miller took individual-medalist honors at the 12-team, rain-shortened event hosted by Missouri State. Miller carded a two-day-total of 143 (73, 77) on his way to a one-stroke victory at the par-71, 7,036 yard Branson Creek Golf Club. Miller’s second-round 70 was the low mark of the tournament’s second round, and helped him claim his first-career victory. Miller is currently tied for the team-lead with 23 rounds played this season and improved his stroke average to 75.1.

Branson Creek Invitational Results -- at bottom of page.

The Evansville men's team competed at the rain-shortened adidas Hoosier Invitational. Matt Hunsaker finished sixth in the field of 88 after two rounds in Bloomington, Indiana. The junior put together rounds of 75 and 70 to finish in the top ten for the Aces. Results: http://golfstat.com/2007-2008/men/mtoursp08/M4522.htm

The Wichita State men's golf team turned a two-stroke lead after 36 holes into a nine-stroke tournament victory in Tuesday's final round at the 2008 Diet Pepsi Shocker Golf Classic, which was held at the Wichita Country Club. Ryan Spears led the Shockers with a three round total of 212 (69-69-74), and finished in third place. Dustin Garza and Ty Sanders were each four strokes back with identical scores of 216, and finished tied for ninth. Results: http://golfstat.com/2007-2008/men/mtoursp08/M4931.htm

WOMEN
Junior Braidy Hood won the 2008 Saluki Invitational after shooting an SIU record low 67 in the second round of the tournament. Hood's 67 broke the previous SIU record of 68 for an all-time low 18-hole score. Hood finished the first day of the tournament tied for first with a 72. Hood's total of 139 broke the Saluki Invitational record for 36-hole score, which was previously 145. Hood broke records on her way to the tournament win despite the Salukis moving their home tournament to Crab Orchard Golf Club due to course conditions at their home course, Hickory Ridge Golf Course. Hood also had to battle wet and windy conditions at the tournament.

Saluki Invitational Results -- at bottom of page.

Elsewhere, the Wichita State women's golf team placed ninth in the University of Cincinnati Spring Invitational, which concluded Saturday at the Plantation Inn and Country Club in Crystal River, Fla. The Shockers were paced in the 54-hole event by sophomore Krista Hrdlicka, who notched a 19th-placed finish with a score of 235 (77-80-78). Results: http://golfstat.com/2007-2008/women/wtoursp08/W0202.htm

Branson Creek Invitational, Branson Creek, Hollister, Mo., Par-71, 7,036 yards


Fin Team                     Scores
  1 Missouri St. U.          289  294    583   +15
  2 Illinois State U.        285  300    585   +17
  3 UMKC                     299  291    590   +22
  4 Drake University         294  300    594   +26
  5 Murray State Univ.       292  304    596   +28
  6 Eastern Illinois U.      301  296    597   +29
T  7 Oral Roberts Univ.       295  303    598   +30
T  7 Tennessee-Martin         297  301    598   +30
  9 Creighton University     294  315    609   +41
 10 Northern Iowa, U. of     300  311    611   +43
 11 Southern Illinois U.     305  310    615   +47
 12 Bradley University       323  337    660   +92

Fin  Name                  School      Scores
  1  Drew Miller           Ill. St.     73   70    143    +1
  2  John Cronly           MissouriSt   70   74    144    +2
T  3  Jack Courington       MissouriSt   74   71    145    +3
T  3  Josh Taylor           UMKC         73   72    145    +3
T  3  Luke Joy              Drake        75   70    145    +3
T  6  Damaso Carrera        MissouriSt   71   75    146    +4
T  6  Jeff Kellen           Ill. St.     72   74    146    +4
T  6  Scott Stiles          O.Roberts    71   75    146    +4
T  6  Terance Begnel        O.Roberts    73   73    146    +4
T 10  Cameron Carrico       Murray St.   70   77    147    +5
T 10  Mike Imburgia         E Illinois   72   75    147    +5
T 10  Tommy Bliefnick       Ill. St.     69   78    147    +5
T 13  Alex Hogben           UMKC         76   72    148    +6
T 13  Ben Murphy            Ill. St.     73   75    148    +6
T 13  Bradley Stevens       Tenn-Mart.   74   74    148    +6
T 13  Cole Floyd            Tenn-Mart.   75   73    148    +6
T 13  Jared Wolfe           Murray St.   71   77    148    +6
T 13  Joe Emerich           Ill. St.     71   77    148    +6
T 13  Jordan Weber          N. Iowa      73   75    148    +6


Saluki Invitational, Crab Orchard Golf Club, Carterville, Ill., Par-70, 5,846 yards

Fin Team                     Scores
  1 Southern Illinois U.     299  286    585   +25
  2 Illinois State Univ.     306  296    602   +42
  3 Bradley University       299  306    605   +45
  4 Murray State Univ.       301  311    612   +52
  5 Drake University         312  301    613   +53
  6 Indiana State Univ.      309  305    614   +54
  7 Northern Iowa, U. of     312  304    616   +56
T  8 Creighton University     310  312    622   +62
T  8 Eastern Illinois         319  303    622   +62
 10 Eastern Kentucky         320  315    635   +75
 11 Western Illinois U.      334  319    653   +93
 12 Rend Lake CC             349  338    687  +127

Fin  Name                  School      Scores
  1  Braidy Hood           So. Ill.     72   67    139    -1
  2  Kelly Gerlach         So. Ill.     74   68    142    +2
T  3  Olivia Lansing        Drake        76   70    146    +6
T  3  Tiffany Hockensmith   IL St.       72   74    146    +6
  5  Breanne Smith         Indiana St   72   75    147    +7
T  6  Bari-Lynn Erais       Bradley      75   73    148    +8
T  6  Leigh Sutton          Creighton    72   76    148    +8
  8  Molly Schemm          N. Iowa      73   76    149    +9
T  9  Kayley Bodine         Indiana St   78   72    150   +10
T  9  Laura Harris          IL St.       75   75    150   +10
T 11  Amy Simons            E Illinois   79   72    151   +11
T 11  Becky Allen           W Illinois   76   75    151   +11
T 11  Melissa Rosloniec     E Kentucky   78   73    151   +11
T 11  Rikki Sobel           Bradley      75   76    151   +11
T 11  Stacey Miller         IL St.       79   72    151   +11
T 16  Andrea Downer         Murray St.   74   78    152   +12
T 16  Christine Zoerlein    So. Ill.     78   74    152   +12
T 18  Carrie Riordan        E Illinois   76   77    153   +13
T 18  Lauren May            So. Ill.     75   78    153   +13
T 18  Mackenzie Mack        Indiana St   78   75    153   +13
T 18  Whitney Cox           Bradley      77   76    153   +13